Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
