Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm too high and old for this...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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