she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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