wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
