My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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