I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
