i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
