She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
