i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
