Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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