You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
