I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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