Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
