I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
