I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
