im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
