Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Randomize
