hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The power of my boobs compel you
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
