Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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