i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
