I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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