On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
