im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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