I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
