I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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