not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
