Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
