a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
pray to the hookup gods
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
