So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
