I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
