Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
