is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
