tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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