Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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