Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
