1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
