he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
