She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
