some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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