Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
