Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
