just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
