Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
