i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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