I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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