Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
