dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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