Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
