Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
did you just send me my own nude
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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