I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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