i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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